There’s only one guarantee in life, and that’s death. Death doesn’t care who you are, what you do, what you earn. Really, death shouldn’t be funny but, hey, what’s a little gallows humour amongst friends? The following list is just some of the more ridiculous deaths that have happened throughout history, in absolutely no particular order.
In 2004 in Houston Texas, 58-year-old Michael Warner died after asking his wife to perform an enema on him – using 2 very large bottles of sherry.
A 29-year-old German man died on Christmas day after making a handmade explosive and trying to blow apart a condom machine with it. He was struck by a steel shard and killed. No condoms were hurt in the attempted theft.
In 2009 Sergey Tuganov bet 2 females that he could have sex with them both for 12 hours straight. After downing a WHOLE bottle of Viagra tablets, he won the bet but died of a heart attack afterwards. Possibly worth it.
Tailor and inventor, Franz Reichelt, decided to make a parachute himself using his own design. Instead of testing it out using a mannequin or similar, he decided the most effective way of testing it was by wearing it himself and jumping from the Eiffel Tower. Surprisingly, it didn’t work.
In 1975 Alex Mitchell died from heart failure after laughing hysterically at the ‘Ecky Thump’ episode of The Goodies.
In 1871, American lawyer Clement Vallandigham shot himself in the court room; he had been attempting to demonstrate to a jury how his client’s alleged murder victim had actually killed himself.
In 2015, Devon Staples was celebrating the 4th of July. He decided an excellent way of celebrating was to place a fireworks mortar tube on his head and light it. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t end well.
Kenneth Pinyan would often film and distribute zoophilic pornography, usually of himself receiving anal sex from a horse. In 2005 this went hideously wrong and caused severe trauma resulting in his death. Shame.
Mark Vogal had a pet Black Widow spider called Elvira (you know where I’m going with this). She bit him, causing a fatal heart attack.
Even years ago, people loved a bit of day drinking. In 279 BCE the philosopher, Chrysippus was drunk and watching a donkey eat figs. He then instructed a slave to give the donkey wine until it was rather wonky (see what I did there?). At the sight of a drunk donkey, Chrysippus laughed so much he had a heart attack. Ass.
In 1982, French coffin builder Marc Bourjade was working in his studio when a stack of coffins he had built collapsed and crushed him underneath. He was eventually buried in one of the same coffins that had killed him.
In the 700s, the Chinese poet Li Bai was on a boat in the evening. After a few drinks, he saw the moon’s reflection on the water and decided to lean over the side of the boat and kiss the ‘moon’. And proceeded to fall overboard and drown.
In 2004, 24-year-old Phillip Quinn was at his home in Washington DC when he decided to put a lava lamp on the stove (?!?!?). I know you’ll be shocked to hear that it exploded, and a shard pierced his heart.
In 1995, Junior Bright and Joe Caine decided to play a drunken game of catch. With a fucking 4-foot rattlesnake. The snake bit both of them, resulting in Caine going into cardiac arrest and dying. Alabama.
In 1673 actor and playwright Moliere coughed to death on stage. He had been acting the part of a sick person.
In 1326 a cesspit emptier known as Richard the Raker, died after falling into his own cesspit and drowning in, well, you know. To add insult to injury it was his day off.
In 1135 Henry I ate far too many lampreys and took a laxative to treat his indigestion. Instead, he shit himself to death.
And last, but certainly not least, my favourite, good old Nigel Willis. Nigel put a vibrator up his bum and his anus basically swallowed it. He left it up there – for five days!! – before finally seeking help to remove it. Unfortunately, the damage was already done, and he died of septic shock.
There can definitely be a follow up article to this as there seems to be so many candidates for Darwin Awards throughout time. I really hope we aren’t the most intelligent life in the solar system or we really are buggered. As always, thanks for reading, let me know what you think in the comments, take care of yourselves and I will see you next time!
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